words that begin with f

I always thought that countdowns and celebrations were superfluous because the lines drawn are arbitrary. We could celebrate every hour, every morning or every time we get hiccups but tomorrow most of the world counts down the end of 2012 and the beginning of 2013.

Of course the collective wish for newness and resolve to succeed is powerful. For what we cannot do alone, a group of focused talented people can do better even though success is never guaranteed.

2012 was the final year of the Mayan calendar from a civilization that ended much earlier. But we are all intrigued with endings with particular fear of "The End" or our own end, so tabloids, twitter feeds, discussions built up anticipation of some catastrophe on Christmas eve or the Winter Solstice.

What does not change is that we all end and we do not know when. Coming to terms with that is a key to living fully.

For me the passing year was about letting go and seeing clearly again. It was about unloading burdens created by facades, fortune, fame and fear of failure... things that start with f I guess.

I rediscovered the long forgotten lessons and valuable experience of my past that I buried under a "been there, done that" list. What I thought were nightmares became building blocks of a new me. None of the people who enriched my life and my attempts to love others were wasted.

Even though hard-hearted people may seem evil sometimes and can wield dangerous power, I will not give up on them but will do my best not to join them. What I write is not just cerebral but the words flow from feelings, depth of experience and a desire to live as fully as I can in the time and space I have been given.

People are my focus as are fun, fantasy, forward moving, living fully... why is the title "things that begin with f"? Just like 2013 is an arbitrary point in time, f is as good a letter as any... without prejudice to the infamous f word.

In keeping with my random title, listen to the "all out of love" song by Jagged Edge. My photo shows my love for the fiat cinquecento 500 which is another f word ;-)

Spontaneously prepared

Being prepared is a good habit unless it takes over all possibility of spontaneity. I think this is the source of my remaining despair. It's a dread I'm not ready for today.

It was OK for school because classes and assignments are clear cut and spontaneous activity is duly scheduled. Many jobs are still that way. But the schedule, predictability and our never-ending preparedness may keep us our job but we could loose all sense of what we want. I guess that's what vacations are for: to find the balance of being spontaneously prepared.

Let go!

At the end of the song the Pastor says: "You don't really have a problem. What you need to do is to step back and let God do it."

I love this song because it's sassy and no-nonsense but the message is hard to swallow even though letting go is the simplest action. The struggle this entails happened during my blogging the last few months and I'm nearly there.

Money has no power (but please listen to the song)

As adults, our responsibilities are great. I got used to resting in secure income, investments and savings. Money was security. The powerful wield money. Without it, we can't do much. Right?

Perhaps, but why should our safety be built on a man-made concept for trading goods and services? It exists in our minds and actions but is really immaterial in and of itself. Printed money is like sand that cannot really support you in real personal time of need.

Matthew 7:24-27 talks about "...a wise man who built his house on the rock. ...(vs) a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

So what is the rock that holds during the storm? For me it is God. Many people think this belief is a crutch because the concept is apriori and cannot be empirically proven. Yet we believe in money because of what it can do.

This year of 2012 was the year when all my false securities were removed. I was left with my faith in God. I have never felt stronger, more fulfilled, secure and loved.

Faith, romance, hardship, rest

My blog is written from the heart. What I write is not cerebral although there is logic involved. They are what I have experienced in mind, emotion and (because the impression and change have been so profound I assume) the spirit. 

My latest :

• Faith goes with rest
• Romance goes with hardship

Some pray for faith. But faith is just resting in the assurance that someone's got your back. You let the one you trust catch you should you fall. Therefore: rest, not struggle is the theme.

I live on Caine Rd. Last night I rode the minibus from HKU to the other end of this old narrow winding path with mostly night class students. Living half way up the Peak is not easy and it took a long time to find my way around the hidden paths, old buildings, new high rises, quaint shops, supermarkets, steep slopes and stairs. But this is the most romantic area of Hong Kong. It provokes nostalgia, frustration, joy, admiration, love, hate... romance. Therefore: hardship and also reward.

Trending money, sex, and power

The rise and fall of any relationship, reign and capital depend on people. Choose the right people to invest in and the fruits of our labor will multiply. Invest in inanimate objects and decline or even demise is all but guaranteed.

I don't know if you see the tongue in cheek when "Jesus said to them, "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's." And they were amazed at him."" Mark 12:17... If God is the Creator, nothing belongs to Caesar who was murdered by his collaborators.

Money, sex and power go together and is the aim of the "successful" people. If you have one of them, you want the rest. Go get them if you want.

Just don't forget where real value lies. Even if you do not believe there is a god, real value do not exist in money, sex and power. People (if not God) give them to you. Reversing the order often result in tragedy. Especially if they take over your life.

Can't take this away!

This song by Bebe and Cece Winan was the my first return to Gospel Choirs after the hearing "Be Grateful" (shown in my initial blog entry) 10 years earlier. I love this type of strong, to the point and no non-sense music and style. No wonder hip-hop / r&b is the most popular type of music today. It's infectious.

But I'm not talking music or religion. It's about first love, unconditional, life giving, secure, forgiving, discipline, tough, strong and inspires "this joy that I have: the world didn't give it to me and world can't take it away"

I've found a love... and you can't take this away!

What a change!

The sky is overcast, raining, cold, problems, hiccups... I should be depressed. Somehow, I feel light, lively, cheerful and loving the day ahead.

What a change in me: assured, at peace, in love, in plain view, anticipating, unafraid, focused, alive!

Friends

This is where I started as a teenager when I realized there were meaningful connections between me and others. Magical connections that change us as we see how differences among us somehow make us better. Of course, the opposite can also happen. People can be hurtful as well as loving.

While seeking the loving connections was the beginning of romance and love, realities of work, politics, money, schedules, appointments, obligations and other adult endeavors devoured the magic. I got lost in the muddle that crowds out dreams and eventually kills who we are.

After 50 years, I finally see how the magic and the mundane can live side by side. And it all goes back to friendship. Meaningful connections that happen independent of circumstance, obligation or organisation.

You know you have a friend if they stick around or come back. The age old test of whether your date was "successful" is if he/she looks back after saying good bye actually has deeper influence. But seeing past the games and the barriers we put up is not easy.

The main reason for that is the barriers come from myself more than the other person. If you think you have no friends or friends have failed you, the only place to start rebuilding is by tearing down our own defenses against those people who stick around.

It's easy not to appreciate them because they seem too familiar, boring, predictable and not as exciting as new friends. But without them, we are less than who we are and make it harder to make new friends.

Now to come back to the hurtful times. People are not perfect. So even the best intentions can cause pain. What was lacking as a teenager seeing the magic of friendship is that commitment is not easy. Pain is involved to stick by someone in their weakness.

The real meaning of Christmas is central to the pain. It's not really just about a sweet baby Jesus though that's where it all started. But it's about the God of the Universe, becoming fully human just to experience life as we know it. The mystery of this fully God, fully human being (central to the Christian faith) is God somehow lived a mortal life (contrary to the concept of God itself) to the point of death and then regaining life. This story is incomprehensible, illogical but oh so romantic and inspiring. And this act is the key to friendship.

A more mundane view is in "To kill a mocking bird" when Atticus tells his daughter " You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view […] until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." This is much easier to understand but also what God began to do at Christmas.

Imagine the supreme being so interested in us that he became like his own creation just to be our friend. Well you don't have to imagine if you believe this happened and continues today.

Chance of a lifetime

Long walks on the beach is the cliche for romance. I thought about the Genesis mention of Enoch: "Enoch walked with God; then he was no more, because God took him away." Most people concentrate on the latter part that he did not die a normal death... but his life on earth did end. 

I want to talk about the walking with God part. Is it like a long walk on the beach? Alone, in love, in friendship, closeness, romance...? We'll have to ask him, I guess. 

Today on my daily morning climb, under a humid overcast sky, it started to rain hard as I passed the old mosque. People scurried into cars, under cover or ran faster down the escalator. I continued my walk getting washed and soaked. The Take 6 song was playing. I was alone, thinking about the recent life journey. Some of the feelings and thought are what I have been writing here. In effect all my securities built up from "life experience" like logic, money, skills, confidence, security, plans... were all taken away. All that was left is me and my God. Sounds scary but so does a walk alone on the beach. 

Romance depends on who is there with me. The chance of a lifetime is every single moment when I'm walking with the right company.

Learning from success

The more popular saying is "learn from your mistakes". During good times, like a good home, rising wages, a good job or school, it makes sense to say this. Someone's got your back so the most likely variable for failure is yourself.

What about times of war or tragedy or sickness? We all grow up during bad times although we instinctively try to avoid them. When we feel alone and hopeless, our own mistakes are no longer the main lesson: how do you deal with an outcome that seems guaranteed to be unsatisfactory?

This is the cloud that has hung over me since 2006. I've changed. Improved habits, vented my pent up feelings, embraced those who love me and come to terms with mortality even. But nothing could assure me of the crazy sports car that runs a red light or the off chance of a falling piano.... 

Bad times are often inexplicable because our mistakes alone could not cause or prevent them.

I spent the weekend with Mary and Lily (my sister and her nearly 3 year old daughter). Lily's mood swings caused me to comment to Mary that I now know where the inspiration for Jekyll and Hyde comes from. People are messy. So if a 3 year old cannot be fully explained, what about my future?

The limits of our knowledge are vast. But the amazing tides and forces that seem to move us forward are also strong. It's easy to get lost in the confusing rabble and noise. Our success (not our errors) seem more useful for facing the unknown tomorrow.

"Christmas morning"

I know I'm 10 months late or 2 months too early but I haven't felt like that for such a long time. Probably since I discovered Santa was an impersonation.

The anticipation of a nice surprise that is all but assured. That's the magic. The presents, who gives them and even what they are, do not compare to the expectation and joy of the wait. This feeling is back in my life.

Not that everything has to turnout great or even positive. But the hard things in life that we dread don't seem so terrible because I now know they are all for my growing.

What can be better than becoming the man who revels in the love in his life? Love for and from people. Seeking love in the tides of humanity, transcendence and the mystery of life in this world whose very survival in our vast savage Universe is in itself a miracle.

I've grown up from looking up at the stars thinking they make a nice picture to be admired, to seeing the destructive power that make them possible, but resting in the peace that comes from the balance of life and circumstance that sustain humankind on this little blue marble we live on. A miracle that promises more of the same.

Even the bad times are good in the end. It's guaranteed. Why fear growing pains? The dread of hardship has been conquered by the anticipation of life in the making.

other gods

There was a new freedom this morning in my heart. It turns out that I had submitted to fate, man-made systems, superficial circumstance and a debt mentality. They had become gods. I now see new meaning to the commandment "You shall have no other gods before me" (because it's they are bad for your mental health).

For me, getting rid of them that subjected me to their haunting and caused me to bow in submission (at least mentally and emotionally), I suddenly see clearly what's really in front of me and the road ahead. The fog is finally gone.

Commands can be freeing if they are true.

Stateless

I found myself thinking about where I've been like looking under the scab of a wound. Drama can do that. It leaves psychological scares that make us think about leaving behind a condition that was self defined in the first place. The trauma they caused was too deep to forget and they remain to haunt us even when the condition that sparked all the fuss has long passed.

Death, decease, fights, break ups, firings, arrests, terror... just to name a few.

In the middle of the recovery, it's hard not to. But like any wound, healing does occur and there comes a time to move on and leave the state of trauma. It's easy to think we left something horrible and into peaceful territory like leaving the cinema after a suspense movie.

Life is not about moving from predefined states. Although they help society organize life in a orderly way and perhaps helps us understand ourselves superficially. But look a little deeper and life is much more mysterious and potentially rewarding.

Pleasure exists in nice surprises, good feelings and peace. All these things are unpredictable. Their origin changes for different people and over time. Once you move past the basic knowledge of safety and livelihood, there is always some room to look for the magical moments that can surprise us rather than dreading the next crisis.

It all begins with being stateless.

Philippians 4:11-13
New King James Version (NKJV)
11 Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: 12 I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13 I can do all things through Christ[a]who strengthens me.

Morning

When morning comes, it's refreshing, relaxing and full of hope. But unless you are the one experiencing the Sunrise, the feelings are hard to share. It's about comfort, rest and readiness. One of the most amazing Sunrises I remember was when I spend the night on the hood of a car (yes you heard correctly). Even though I hardly slept with my back on the windshield, the Sun's rays appeared one by one creating magic in the clouds, the hills, the trees and revealed the sky like a symphony and a dance.

It's like true love, real family, close friendship and inner joy which turns out to be corny and melodramatic when you try to express it. You have to be there! And I'm here. This morning!

Mundane magic

After a bout of high blood sugar that sent me to the hospital 2 years ago, I learned to cut out all simple carbs from my diet and I finally learned to control my weight. I feel 18 again as daily morning workouts moved my body system towards the positive and I never felt better.
Vanity drew me to the diet secrets of models and realized I was already doing what they recommended except for cutting out fat and eating every 3 hours.
I tried it. And you can see fat disappear after 7 days.
The unexpected result was my mood swings flattened. I was feeling up more often.
Thus mundane magic!

More trending

Magic happens when you look for their glimmer
Death is succumbing to what feels like fate
Hope is rest
Worry is struggle
If you're lazy (like me) it's easier to hope :-)

Celebrating mystery

To celebrate the mystery of transcendence. Once you hear how well the music fits the words, nothing else sounds right. For who can understand the truth behind them?

Poulenc Gloria : Domine Deus

Dómine Deus, Rex cæléstis, Deus Pater omnípotens. 
Dómine Fili unigénite, Jesu Christe. 
Dómine Deus, Agnus Dei, Fílius Patris. 

Lord God, heavenly King, God the Father almighty. 
Lord the only-begotten Son, Jesus Christ. 
Lord God, Lamb of God, Son of the Father. 

Kafka's vile insect

I remembered "Der Verwandlung" by Franz Kafka usually called "The Metamorphosis" but I think the better translation is "A change for the worse". Many people think the insect Gregor morphs into was a cockroach. But Kafka never names the insect except it was vile and died at the end to the relief of even his family.

I hated the story and never looked at it except for course work. It made me feel sick.

Somehow I remembered the story this morning while climbing up to Robinson Road. I thought about how after my incarceration, illness and other mishaps of the past few years got me used to survival mode. To make the best of what felt like calamity sometimes, I learned to scurry under the floor boards to avoid danger and confrontation. I guess like a cockroach...

Dreams, passion and romance were all but forgotten for myself and existed only in movies or books. Somehow, during my long 6 month wait for my foot to recover, I changed back to someone stronger, more motivated, sensitive and with a new vision of friendship and work: "Meine Verbesserung." My improvement back to hope and humanity.

Synchronicity

When there is common meaning not due to reason or causality...  but just knowing we share a vision or purpose inspite of background or  circumstance: a simple answer not requiring an explanation. According to Einstein, this is when your hear God think.

I'm experiencing synchronicity like never before. 

Expectans expectavi Dominum

The title is Latin. Stravinsky's symphony of Psalms' second movement's first line is "I waited patiently for the Lord". 

This is a mystery because if God is there why must we wait? Yet that is the theme of the Bible. Jews wait for the Messiah. Christians wait for Jesus to return. Everyday, no matter what you believe, we wait for someone or something. Why does God who is there seem silent in that he appears not to speak like you or I?

A new perspective came to me from a scene in the movie RED. John Malkovich told Bruce Willis that Mary Louis Parker's character likes him. Why? "Notice how she sticks around? If a woman likes you she sticks around!" Bruce then argued that she did not have a choice. The answer: "Sure she does!"

If you love someone, you trust and you stick around. If you listen to the mysterious sound of my favorite symphony and I think you'll agree it fits the lyrics. 

Seeing and hearing God occurs as we love, trust and wait... Not a cause and effect but they happen all at the same time.

I've heard many preach about love but less so the waiting...

Expectans expectavi Dominum, et intendit mihi.	I waited patiently for the Lord: and He inclined unto me, and heard my calling.
Et exaudivit preces meas; et exudit me da lacu miseriae, et de lato faecis.	He brought me also out of the horrible pit, out of the mire and clay:
Et statuit super petram pedes meos: et direxis gressus meos.	and set my feet upon the rock, and ordered my goings.
Et immisit in os meum canticum novrum, carmen Deo nostro.	And He hath put a new song in my mouth: even a thanksgiving unto our God.
Videbunt multi, videbunt et timabunt: et aperabunt in Domino.	Many shall see it and fear: and shall put their trust in the Lord.

Trending providence

Belief in God is a choice. No matter which side you take, it is faith that decides. I was attracted to Physics because even though it is a hard subject, there was a more objective judgement of answers. I get a sense of awe when I see what can be understood and the untapped potential of what we have yet to know. That the universe has so many hidden treasures.

As I emerge from my long personal drought, I have seen that providence exists in life. Otherwise how do I know light when I'm experiencing darkness, that someone loves me when I feel alone, that hope exists when I feel completely down trodden?

Like principles in Science I will attempt to trend according to providence:

Someone not something is important

Despite appearances, those who trust you love you

Invest in people and not things or systems

Hope exists in the moments of trust and rest

Value lies in people
Benevolence is a decision (both to give and to get)

Bad feelings do not negate any of the above

Ignoring turkeys

I think there is a 70's fad of calling annoying people turkeys and I remember a poster : "Don't let the turkeys get you down". It's amazing how often I let that happen.

About to face the once distant celebration of my own golden jubilee, I am finally seeing who the turkeys are and how my patient tolerance has been wasted on those who couldn't care less. While there is no formula about how to deal with daily annoyance, it seems the poster slogan is not that off center. Maybe it hits the turkeys right where it hurts, by ignoring them.

Extreme thanks

I've mentioned that some unfortunate events have fogged up my view for a long time. Even though they have all been resolved, sometimes a dark cloud still seems to hang over me bringing panic and dread during perfectly sunny moments. Today while I took my morning ascent among scarce Hong Kong greenery, I thanked God and those who seemed to have brought on the drama by name ... one by one.

Seems the "curse" was chased away by a simple "thank you" ... even for those who acted like enemies. It only took a minute.

Compromise addiction

Balance is hard. One of the first hard lessons an infant learns is that they can't do whatever they want. As we grow older, it's possible to compromise who we are just to get by all the time.
Some say it's good to keep the peace. Others think it's more important to be ourselves. So what's the answer?
I think an answer is the book of Job (in the Old Testament Bible) where everything was taken away and his friends kept asking him what he did wrong to deserve this (oversimplification). When real change comes, it is always a little like death. All belief and securities are uprooted so you are left with the foundation. There can be no compromise here.

Messy

Life is messy or is it mysterious? What we can't understand will seem negative or dark. It's easy just to wing it. Who's to say that living life like we are playing an interactive game is a bad thing. Fast reflexes, thinking on our feet, eye hand coordination, adrenalin rush are all useful skills. If we act quickly enough, problems get resolved faster and the mess get's cleaned up faster.

What is missing is solving the mystery. Speed isn't everything. Maybe if we understood the problem, we can write a new game where the mess get's cleaned up by people having fun and working together.

Lost horizon

遠在天邊，近在眼前 Far as the horizon, yet in plain view. It's what I've been feeling for a long time. Some things are so obvious that we complicate things and lose sight of them. Like forgotten sun glasses resting on our head, we can end up searching everywhere for the thing we need most. People are most easily taken for granted. We sow seeds whose fruit we reap in the lives that feed our soul. Sometimes even annoying nagging can become the voice that points the way forward.

Adjustable limits

Living by limitations can become a habit. A re-acquaintance caused me to revive my stale prison story with new insights. Recurring limiting circumstances can blind us to real possibilities. Instead of dreaming I still find myself mulling over things that worry me and the "break" I'm waiting for. But pessimism can cloud the view and I end up waiting for the next "no" or missed opportunity.

Limits are real but not impossible. We can't fly like a bird but we can in an airplane. What real disadvantage is adoption? Why is that job the only option? Even if somethings are nearly impossible some if not all limits are always adjustable.

Connections give meaning

I am closer than ever to new projects. Connecting ideas in my head and more importantly, people are what give meaning to my life. Even arguing can be connecting or not, depending on who is involved. Love and acceptance make the difference. Intelligence helps too when it comes to work, but nothing is more important than trust. When there is suspicion and insecurity between people, connections are lost. Life and work become chores because much time is wasted trying to convince doubters. Trust and faith is a choice and are the building blocks to love and meaning.

Be grateful

I'm starting a new blog to replace my "secret" blog  with this one called "savor". There is an old version of the choir performance of "Be Grateful" that is so so so "right on". If you know of a better one, tell me.