Making music and lights

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no time to blame

Time does not exist. It is a human measurement of change. So if there is no change, time is meaningless. Yet most of the time, we avoid change. When something happens unexpectedly, we call it luck or fate or god's will or just about anything to avoid responsibility.

Then there is time travel. We all want to cheat regret or fate. Whether it is a lottery ticket or undoing a wrong or avoiding death, we wish time travel were a possibility. Perhaps it is. But could we really cheat the past?

All the effort to find God's Will can be similar. Under the disguise of doing whatever God wants us to do, could it be we secretly want to blame him for any tragedy that may ensue? After all you told me to do it...

I think all this creative blame seeking is beside the point. If time is to measure change, we are better off seeking to change the future together until we die. So Live!

infinity within time and space

Infinity is a simple concept for having no limits. My blog yesterday started with a quote from Jesus saying something quite unpopular: rich people can't be saved. Although we can talk about infinity, God and salvation, by definition they are things beyond our limited, mortal and pagan comprehension.

While we are not disturbed by infinity or zero (both completely abstract but necessary states in mathematics and science), there is much much much controversy about God and salvation. Since they are a matter of belief, it's up to each person to work out their conviction. The philosophical term is a priori.

Since infinity, God and salvation are mysteries and beyond our grasp, we can only try to understand. Similarly: love, commitment and trust are also abstract but can be experienced: a posteriori. I think the evidence of love/commitment/trust are evidence that infinity/God/salvation exist. Not sure why but it makes sense to me.

It then becomes a matter of knowing God. These 2 songs show the intimately safe and majestically mysterious aspects of the Master of the infinite Universe which sustains our fragile precious lives. For me God in our mortal lives is as necessary as infinity within time and space, in order for life and science to work.

Looking the wrong way

Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24 Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” The context is a rich guy asking how to be saved.

There is so much tongue in cheek the Bible quotes in this blog. But in the end, I would summarize: Look stupid, just follow God and love his people and you'll find real treasure. Money only makes us look the wrong way.

Because money can do so much and there is so much focus on it everyday everywhere, I too did not want to face the truth of what Jesus said. Focus on money, build your confidence on it and it kills. I've seen it because people, real value and simple pleasures are overlooked because of money. Take a luxury meal in a 3 Michelin Star restaurant. There is nothing wrong with it. Yet if you get used to it, a simple noodle in a hawker stall will be sidelined because it is "beneath us".

While food can be a matter of taste, people are far more important. For why do we start families and have babies it not to value people? If money influences the way to value lives, it destroys our humanity and therefore salvation. For being human is not about building our own kingdom, it is about building value in the lives that surround us. No matter how small or large our circle of influence is.

Money, though important, is just a product of these relationships. In a way, we must avoid money in calculating our next move or who to befriend or what to seek because it is as much a distraction as a necessity.

The comment before the initial quote: "21 Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” 22 When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Treasure is always in lives and not numbers on a bank statement. Simple but so so difficult if you think you can't do without money.

What can be more direct than this? "19“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. 22“The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. 23But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness! 24“No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money. 25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Can't give up

"I still haven't found what I'm looking for"... I used to think the goal was to find it. But I now know the seeking is more fun.

Since I started blogging, it was about finding a new job, finances, my healing, the past and finding a new beginning. I thought that I would soon announce some Hollywood ending.

Now I see the journey began even when I felt like shit (in this case no other word seems to be enough). Because like this song which hooks :

"No you didn't bring me out here to leave me lonely
Even when I can't see clearly
I know that you are with me..."

I just won't give up now.

Just a note about the music I like. They may start slow and in a minor key sometimes, but they celebrate life in explosive rhythm and rifts... whether it's classical or hip-hop.

words that begin with f

I always thought that countdowns and celebrations were superfluous because the lines drawn are arbitrary. We could celebrate every hour, every morning or every time we get hiccups but tomorrow most of the world counts down the end of 2012 and the beginning of 2013.

Of course the collective wish for newness and resolve to succeed is powerful. For what we cannot do alone, a group of focused talented people can do better even though success is never guaranteed.

2012 was the final year of the Mayan calendar from a civilization that ended much earlier. But we are all intrigued with endings with particular fear of "The End" or our own end, so tabloids, twitter feeds, discussions built up anticipation of some catastrophe on Christmas eve or the Winter Solstice.

What does not change is that we all end and we do not know when. Coming to terms with that is a key to living fully.

For me the passing year was about letting go and seeing clearly again. It was about unloading burdens created by facades, fortune, fame and fear of failure... things that start with f I guess.

I rediscovered the long forgotten lessons and valuable experience of my past that I buried under a "been there, done that" list. What I thought were nightmares became building blocks of a new me. None of the people who enriched my life and my attempts to love others were wasted.

Even though hard-hearted people may seem evil sometimes and can wield dangerous power, I will not give up on them but will do my best not to join them. What I write is not just cerebral but the words flow from feelings, depth of experience and a desire to live as fully as I can in the time and space I have been given.

People are my focus as are fun, fantasy, forward moving, living fully... why is the title "things that begin with f"? Just like 2013 is an arbitrary point in time, f is as good a letter as any... without prejudice to the infamous f word.

In keeping with my random title, listen to the "all out of love" song by Jagged Edge. My photo shows my love for the fiat cinquecento 500 which is another f word ;-)

Spontaneously prepared

Being prepared is a good habit unless it takes over all possibility of spontaneity. I think this is the source of my remaining despair. It's a dread I'm not ready for today.

It was OK for school because classes and assignments are clear cut and spontaneous activity is duly scheduled. Many jobs are still that way. But the schedule, predictability and our never-ending preparedness may keep us our job but we could loose all sense of what we want. I guess that's what vacations are for: to find the balance of being spontaneously prepared.

Let go!

At the end of the song the Pastor says: "You don't really have a problem. What you need to do is to step back and let God do it."

I love this song because it's sassy and no-nonsense but the message is hard to swallow even though letting go is the simplest action. The struggle this entails happened during my blogging the last few months and I'm nearly there.

Money has no power (but please listen to the song)

As adults, our responsibilities are great. I got used to resting in secure income, investments and savings. Money was security. The powerful wield money. Without it, we can't do much. Right?

Perhaps, but why should our safety be built on a man-made concept for trading goods and services? It exists in our minds and actions but is really immaterial in and of itself. Printed money is like sand that cannot really support you in real personal time of need.

Matthew 7:24-27 talks about "...a wise man who built his house on the rock. ...(vs) a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

So what is the rock that holds during the storm? For me it is God. Many people think this belief is a crutch because the concept is apriori and cannot be empirically proven. Yet we believe in money because of what it can do.

This year of 2012 was the year when all my false securities were removed. I was left with my faith in God. I have never felt stronger, more fulfilled, secure and loved.

Faith, romance, hardship, rest

My blog is written from the heart. What I write is not cerebral although there is logic involved. They are what I have experienced in mind, emotion and (because the impression and change have been so profound I assume) the spirit. 

My latest :

• Faith goes with rest
• Romance goes with hardship

Some pray for faith. But faith is just resting in the assurance that someone's got your back. You let the one you trust catch you should you fall. Therefore: rest, not struggle is the theme.

I live on Caine Rd. Last night I rode the minibus from HKU to the other end of this old narrow winding path with mostly night class students. Living half way up the Peak is not easy and it took a long time to find my way around the hidden paths, old buildings, new high rises, quaint shops, supermarkets, steep slopes and stairs. But this is the most romantic area of Hong Kong. It provokes nostalgia, frustration, joy, admiration, love, hate... romance. Therefore: hardship and also reward.

Trending money, sex, and power

The rise and fall of any relationship, reign and capital depend on people. Choose the right people to invest in and the fruits of our labor will multiply. Invest in inanimate objects and decline or even demise is all but guaranteed.

I don't know if you see the tongue in cheek when "Jesus said to them, "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's." And they were amazed at him."" Mark 12:17... If God is the Creator, nothing belongs to Caesar who was murdered by his collaborators.

Money, sex and power go together and is the aim of the "successful" people. If you have one of them, you want the rest. Go get them if you want.

Just don't forget where real value lies. Even if you do not believe there is a god, real value do not exist in money, sex and power. People (if not God) give them to you. Reversing the order often result in tragedy. Especially if they take over your life.

Can't take this away!

This song by Bebe and Cece Winan was the my first return to Gospel Choirs after the hearing "Be Grateful" (shown in my initial blog entry) 10 years earlier. I love this type of strong, to the point and no non-sense music and style. No wonder hip-hop / r&b is the most popular type of music today. It's infectious.

But I'm not talking music or religion. It's about first love, unconditional, life giving, secure, forgiving, discipline, tough, strong and inspires "this joy that I have: the world didn't give it to me and world can't take it away"

I've found a love... and you can't take this away!

What a change!

The sky is overcast, raining, cold, problems, hiccups... I should be depressed. Somehow, I feel light, lively, cheerful and loving the day ahead.

What a change in me: assured, at peace, in love, in plain view, anticipating, unafraid, focused, alive!

Friends

This is where I started as a teenager when I realized there were meaningful connections between me and others. Magical connections that change us as we see how differences among us somehow make us better. Of course, the opposite can also happen. People can be hurtful as well as loving.

While seeking the loving connections was the beginning of romance and love, realities of work, politics, money, schedules, appointments, obligations and other adult endeavors devoured the magic. I got lost in the muddle that crowds out dreams and eventually kills who we are.

After 50 years, I finally see how the magic and the mundane can live side by side. And it all goes back to friendship. Meaningful connections that happen independent of circumstance, obligation or organisation.

You know you have a friend if they stick around or come back. The age old test of whether your date was "successful" is if he/she looks back after saying good bye actually has deeper influence. But seeing past the games and the barriers we put up is not easy.

The main reason for that is the barriers come from myself more than the other person. If you think you have no friends or friends have failed you, the only place to start rebuilding is by tearing down our own defenses against those people who stick around.

It's easy not to appreciate them because they seem too familiar, boring, predictable and not as exciting as new friends. But without them, we are less than who we are and make it harder to make new friends.

Now to come back to the hurtful times. People are not perfect. So even the best intentions can cause pain. What was lacking as a teenager seeing the magic of friendship is that commitment is not easy. Pain is involved to stick by someone in their weakness.

The real meaning of Christmas is central to the pain. It's not really just about a sweet baby Jesus though that's where it all started. But it's about the God of the Universe, becoming fully human just to experience life as we know it. The mystery of this fully God, fully human being (central to the Christian faith) is God somehow lived a mortal life (contrary to the concept of God itself) to the point of death and then regaining life. This story is incomprehensible, illogical but oh so romantic and inspiring. And this act is the key to friendship.

A more mundane view is in "To kill a mocking bird" when Atticus tells his daughter " You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view […] until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." This is much easier to understand but also what God began to do at Christmas.

Imagine the supreme being so interested in us that he became like his own creation just to be our friend. Well you don't have to imagine if you believe this happened and continues today.

Chance of a lifetime

Long walks on the beach is the cliche for romance. I thought about the Genesis mention of Enoch: "Enoch walked with God; then he was no more, because God took him away." Most people concentrate on the latter part that he did not die a normal death... but his life on earth did end. 

I want to talk about the walking with God part. Is it like a long walk on the beach? Alone, in love, in friendship, closeness, romance...? We'll have to ask him, I guess. 

Today on my daily morning climb, under a humid overcast sky, it started to rain hard as I passed the old mosque. People scurried into cars, under cover or ran faster down the escalator. I continued my walk getting washed and soaked. The Take 6 song was playing. I was alone, thinking about the recent life journey. Some of the feelings and thought are what I have been writing here. In effect all my securities built up from "life experience" like logic, money, skills, confidence, security, plans... were all taken away. All that was left is me and my God. Sounds scary but so does a walk alone on the beach. 

Romance depends on who is there with me. The chance of a lifetime is every single moment when I'm walking with the right company.

Learning from success

The more popular saying is "learn from your mistakes". During good times, like a good home, rising wages, a good job or school, it makes sense to say this. Someone's got your back so the most likely variable for failure is yourself.

What about times of war or tragedy or sickness? We all grow up during bad times although we instinctively try to avoid them. When we feel alone and hopeless, our own mistakes are no longer the main lesson: how do you deal with an outcome that seems guaranteed to be unsatisfactory?

This is the cloud that has hung over me since 2006. I've changed. Improved habits, vented my pent up feelings, embraced those who love me and come to terms with mortality even. But nothing could assure me of the crazy sports car that runs a red light or the off chance of a falling piano.... 

Bad times are often inexplicable because our mistakes alone could not cause or prevent them.

I spent the weekend with Mary and Lily (my sister and her nearly 3 year old daughter). Lily's mood swings caused me to comment to Mary that I now know where the inspiration for Jekyll and Hyde comes from. People are messy. So if a 3 year old cannot be fully explained, what about my future?

The limits of our knowledge are vast. But the amazing tides and forces that seem to move us forward are also strong. It's easy to get lost in the confusing rabble and noise. Our success (not our errors) seem more useful for facing the unknown tomorrow.

"Christmas morning"

I know I'm 10 months late or 2 months too early but I haven't felt like that for such a long time. Probably since I discovered Santa was an impersonation.

The anticipation of a nice surprise that is all but assured. That's the magic. The presents, who gives them and even what they are, do not compare to the expectation and joy of the wait. This feeling is back in my life.

Not that everything has to turnout great or even positive. But the hard things in life that we dread don't seem so terrible because I now know they are all for my growing.

What can be better than becoming the man who revels in the love in his life? Love for and from people. Seeking love in the tides of humanity, transcendence and the mystery of life in this world whose very survival in our vast savage Universe is in itself a miracle.

I've grown up from looking up at the stars thinking they make a nice picture to be admired, to seeing the destructive power that make them possible, but resting in the peace that comes from the balance of life and circumstance that sustain humankind on this little blue marble we live on. A miracle that promises more of the same.

Even the bad times are good in the end. It's guaranteed. Why fear growing pains? The dread of hardship has been conquered by the anticipation of life in the making.

other gods

There was a new freedom this morning in my heart. It turns out that I had submitted to fate, man-made systems, superficial circumstance and a debt mentality. They had become gods. I now see new meaning to the commandment "You shall have no other gods before me" (because it's they are bad for your mental health).

For me, getting rid of them that subjected me to their haunting and caused me to bow in submission (at least mentally and emotionally), I suddenly see clearly what's really in front of me and the road ahead. The fog is finally gone.

Commands can be freeing if they are true.

Stateless

I found myself thinking about where I've been like looking under the scab of a wound. Drama can do that. It leaves psychological scares that make us think about leaving behind a condition that was self defined in the first place. The trauma they caused was too deep to forget and they remain to haunt us even when the condition that sparked all the fuss has long passed.

Death, decease, fights, break ups, firings, arrests, terror... just to name a few.

In the middle of the recovery, it's hard not to. But like any wound, healing does occur and there comes a time to move on and leave the state of trauma. It's easy to think we left something horrible and into peaceful territory like leaving the cinema after a suspense movie.

Life is not about moving from predefined states. Although they help society organize life in a orderly way and perhaps helps us understand ourselves superficially. But look a little deeper and life is much more mysterious and potentially rewarding.

Pleasure exists in nice surprises, good feelings and peace. All these things are unpredictable. Their origin changes for different people and over time. Once you move past the basic knowledge of safety and livelihood, there is always some room to look for the magical moments that can surprise us rather than dreading the next crisis.

It all begins with being stateless.

Philippians 4:11-13
New King James Version (NKJV)
11 Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: 12 I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13 I can do all things through Christ[a]who strengthens me.

Morning

When morning comes, it's refreshing, relaxing and full of hope. But unless you are the one experiencing the Sunrise, the feelings are hard to share. It's about comfort, rest and readiness. One of the most amazing Sunrises I remember was when I spend the night on the hood of a car (yes you heard correctly). Even though I hardly slept with my back on the windshield, the Sun's rays appeared one by one creating magic in the clouds, the hills, the trees and revealed the sky like a symphony and a dance.

It's like true love, real family, close friendship and inner joy which turns out to be corny and melodramatic when you try to express it. You have to be there! And I'm here. This morning!